How long have you been fostering and what type of fostering have you done?
I moved back to Peterborough from another county in 2012 where I had already been approved as a foster carer. I reached out to local authority and transferred to them; after my application had been completed I was approved in 2013.
Apart from fostering sibling groups, I have provided daycare and respite to other foster carers who have sibling groups and have needed a break or taken some time out.
Since being approved I have fostered long term, three sets of siblings and short term one set of siblings; all of which have been different in terms of their needs, ability and mental wellbeing.
What has been the most rewarding part of fostering siblings?
Knowing you are keeping their sibling bond and giving them the same life experiences as each other. Being part of the same foster family, extended family and family friends to also support their needs as they travel the same journey together.
Can you share a special moment that stands out from your experience fostering siblings?
The first Mother’s Day with the siblings, for me, was special because they made a big effort to show how much they appreciated the support and love I had given to them both, and made my day about me, not them.
The notes I would find stuck to or pushed under my bedroom door, simply saying thank you or just a little heart drawn on a scrap piece of paper.
Drawings done at school, including me and my family in their family portraits.
Knowing that I love my garden, so arranging with my adult children to buy me special ornaments or having personalised items such as a garden apron or a slate sign made for my birthday.
A little random request for a hug or to sit in my chair with me for a snuggle.
Sharing their sweets or biscuits with me.
Asking if I need a hug.
Telling me I look beautiful.
So many special moments, I can’t choose just one!
How does it feel knowing you’re helping siblings stay together when they might otherwise be separated?
This is a difficult one to answer because sometimes it is better for them to be separated.
My first set of siblings hadn’t bonded and really disliked each other. They were not sisterly and didn’t have anything in common. Despite this they lived with me, together for six years. It was evident, they should have been separated because of the damage it did to their relationship.
However my new set of siblings are very close and spend a lot of time together. They are both happy and thriving in my care – this makes every single minute worthwhile. If they were to have been separated they would be very lonely and miss each other very much. That would make me feel sad. I’m so happy to be able to accommodate them both, they bring my house alive!
How do you manage the different emotional needs and personalities of siblings?
This comes with experience. As long as you are consistent and not changing the goal posts to make allowances to your households’ rules and boundaries, everyone knows where they stand. Remain empathetic, understand their needs, comfort, reassure, be firm when needed, accept the differences, don’t assume they are all the same. Address issues individually and sometimes it’s necessary to include the whole family. Let them know you care/we care and most of all never judge.
What challenges have you faced when fostering siblings – and how have you overcome them?
Oh boy! Have I had challenges. I’ve needed guidance and support from my SSW and also the CSW on this one.
We have worked as a team to support the two sisters who didn’t believe they were sisters because they were so different. Absolute poles apart – they didn’t see eye to eye on most things and didn’t like each other enough to spent time together. We had agencies involved and worked together, as a team. It is impossible to do this alone or on your own, it’s draining and soul destroying. Knowing that other people are on board, takes away some of the burden. Always reach out for help and make sure you take time out for yourself, however hard that feels, is really important.
What impact has fostering siblings had on your own life or family?
My adult children have left home and have families of their own, I’m a single carer with a wealth of experience in supporting children and as a family we support the children in whatever capacity is needed. I have grandchildren who visit my home regularly, this is a valuable addition to sibling groups because it gives them a connection and an extended friend to interact with.
Sometimes the challenges of fostering siblings can impact on family life, especially if a family event or outing is happening and the children are not engaging. Not everything is smooth going, and once a child is dysregulated or triggered it can be extremely difficult to negotiate. This is not ideal when you have young grandchildren witnessing a meltdown, a traumatic outburst or a complete refusal from a foster child or siblings. Family support is essential, to know how to diffuse a situation, not fuel it is the key and to be empathetic to the child/children. I take the lead, my children will support, and the children will feel secure and safe.
Why do you think it’s so important for siblings to stay together in foster care?
Sometimes it’s not the best for the siblings, so to bear that in mind, reach out and to support the transition of separation. But mostly it is best to keep them together and to help the siblings support each other as they navigate life; to encourage independence but to be there for each other.
I couldn’t imagine being separated from my siblings and I draw on my own experiences, I can share these childhood dramas, sibling rivalry, and the close bond we share now. All we can do is support their relationship the best we can and encourage positive outcomes despite any differences. Promote positive family values and quality time together.
